Monthly Archives: May 2010

Justice has a Name, and it is Mine

The guy at Taco Bell who ran my debit card today asked me if I was related to Buford T. Justice.  He then handed me my 7-layer burrito.  (Unfortunately, not one of those layers was a super-secret sauce that helps alleviate the feelings of physical and emotional discomfort that come from eating Taco Bell.)

For the record, I am not related to Buford.  Furthermore, I have no beef with his target, the Bandit.  The Bandit can bootleg Coors over whichever county lines he wishes, as long as he does not hurt a hair on Sally Field’s precious head.  Sheriff Justice is out of his damn jurisdiction, anyway.

(If you’re counting, I have now mentioned two products.  It’s never too soon to be courting endorsements, as those delicious P. Terry’s veggie burgers are not going to buy themselves, at a location near me.)

To cut down on all the fans’ inevitable queries, a list of people to whom I am also un-related:

  • Gaylord Justice – This may go without saying, as he is Buford’s brother.
  • Reginald Van Justice – Yep, he’s Buford’s brother, too.  So, no.
  • David Justice – Former professional baseball player for the Atlanta Braves, Cleveland Indians, etc, and ex-husband to Halle Berry.  When I was a little kid, my brother tried to convince me that we were related.  I believed him for a long time.  Apparently, I did not yet see race.
  • Sid Justice a.k.a. Psycho Sid Vicious – Former professional wrestler.  Again, my brother attempted to prove we were family.  I really wanted to believe this one, and expected some genetic pre-disposition to pulling off his awesome “release powerbomb” finishing move.  I would later permanently cripple a stuffed animal with this maneuver and then, full of regret and fear at my God-given strength, give up my dream of professional wrestling forever.  Consider yourself lucky, Hogan!
  • Just-Ice – Late 80s, New York gangsta rapper.  No one ever tried to convince me we were related, but I make that face all the time, so I thought, “Maaaybe?”  My research found no shared family tree, but for now I’m just going to call the studies inconclusive.

The lack of resemblance is uncanny.

Moving along now, a couple of American icons to whom I am related:

  • Lady Justice – She is the blind, well-boobed symbol of moral and judicial force.  Legend (and fact!) has it that her right boob is so righteous, when former Bush-era Attorney General John Ashcroft first gazed upon it, he saw reflected in it his own dark, perverse, subconscious nightmares and desires, and demanded it be shrouded immediately.

The Lady and boob in question seen in the background, before the former Attorney General and obvious Attorney Gaywad demanded coverage

  • John Wayne Justice – This is a real person, and a name I could not even hope to create on my own.  He is a cousin, but unfortunately, we are not close enough for me to know the progress of his obvious destiny as a future American president or film star.  I mean, come on.  With that name, good fortune and greatness are only a greeting away.  At least in the South.

And lastly, some Justice names hot off the presses (I intend to get as much mileage out of that cliche while I can, seeing as how none of the younger generations will understand its origin), just waiting to be applied to the right boy or girl.  Line up, zygotes!  (That is, if, as a zygote, you believe life begins at the synthesis of two gametes, which, well, let’s not get political just yet.  Let’s just get you a name and figure out how it’s going to play out.)

  • Maximum Justice – Will be called Max!, for short
  • Blind Willie Justice – Perfect for the Mississippi Delta line of Justices
  • DJ Jazzy Justice – Will probably not end up winning the first rap Grammy ever presented for his song, “Parents Just Don’t Understand.”  Somebody did that already.
  • Jackknife Justice – He’s the really resourceful, “gadget guy” in the bank robber movie
  • Jelly Roll Justice – Destined to reinvigorate the ragtime piano playing famous in the early 1900s, with the help of ever-culture-devouring hipsters desperately searching for sources of authenticity so as to adopt them as a posture, as a “like”
  • Jiggle Belly Justice – Just a fat guy
  • Jowly Justice – A skinny guy ironically given a fat guy name
  • Junkyard Dog Justice – Professional wrestler, infamous for the fat-fingered eye gouge of justice

That’s all the time I can possibly waste.  Stay tuned for the next installment, where I will offer a profile in courage of local resident, Chalmers the Cat.


Filed under Humor, Personal

The Fat Fingers of Justice, or, to Acknowledge Changing Demographics, Los Dedos Gordos de la Justicia

Oh, hello Internet.  I didn’t you see there.

A Brief Introduction

My name is Ol’ Fat Fingers Justice, and while my fingers are not really the corpulent meat sticks the name would suggest, they are heavy with the burden of righting the world’s innumerable wrongs.  They are calorie-packed with righteous rage, if you will.  (You don’t have to.)

In the weeks, months, and years to follow (assuming lucrative offers for book, film and Broadway productions materialize, which I’ve been told by my agent to expect after only two or three of these “Web logs”) you will bear witness to these large, fleshy gavels hammering out judgments on a keyboard.  The owner of these knuckly Ballpark franks suffers an update-addicted, hyperlink-frayed attention span, and the fingers are obese from years of a poor diet of fast-food news and entertainment, narcissistic blogs and indulgent, socially-networked profiles.  However, waddle over the keys they must, burping truth and judgment, slowly but surely becoming arthritic with indignation.

Also, they’re stuffed with crab!  Delicious!

So welcome to my addition to the Great Hive Mind, to the Blob. Potential future posts include:

  • Obama:  Evil space-marxist, or Wizard Hitler?  And which is a bigger threat to your small business and white, Christian family?
  • Stupid, Goddamn Money – Why can’t I get you to mate in captivity?!
  • Howard the Duck – Bestiality in Metafiction
  • Austin, TX – Summer’s here already?  Just great.  I can’t wait to baby powder my taint every hour so I don’t get a jort rash.
  • Realizing your childhood dreams in your mid-twenties – video games, pizza, staying in your pajamas all day
  • Failed attempts at convincing my girlfriend that if I just leave my belly button lint in there long enough, it will eventually become a pearl.  She simply refuses to listen to old wives’ science.

Oh, and don’t you worry, as there will also be adorable pictures of cats in silly places, doing just the cutest things.

Fun fact:  The Internet was invented in the 80s by Al Gore and Alf as a wacky trick to pick up girls at the mall.  It worked, but mostly for Alf, as Tipper turned out to be a real buzzkill, forcing Al to burn all his beloved 2 Live Crew records in front of his friends, Frank Zappa and Dee Snider.  Look it up if you want to, but the truth is just going to disappoint you.


Filed under Blogging, Humor, Meta