The guy at Taco Bell who ran my debit card today asked me if I was related to Buford T. Justice. He then handed me my 7-layer burrito. (Unfortunately, not one of those layers was a super-secret sauce that helps alleviate the feelings of physical and emotional discomfort that come from eating Taco Bell.)
For the record, I am not related to Buford. Furthermore, I have no beef with his target, the Bandit. The Bandit can bootleg Coors over whichever county lines he wishes, as long as he does not hurt a hair on Sally Field’s precious head. Sheriff Justice is out of his damn jurisdiction, anyway.
(If you’re counting, I have now mentioned two products. It’s never too soon to be courting endorsements, as those delicious P. Terry’s veggie burgers are not going to buy themselves, at a location near me.)
To cut down on all the fans’ inevitable queries, a list of people to whom I am also un-related:
- Gaylord Justice – This may go without saying, as he is Buford’s brother.
- Reginald Van Justice – Yep, he’s Buford’s brother, too. So, no.
- David Justice – Former professional baseball player for the Atlanta Braves, Cleveland Indians, etc, and ex-husband to Halle Berry. When I was a little kid, my brother tried to convince me that we were related. I believed him for a long time. Apparently, I did not yet see race.
- Sid Justice a.k.a. Psycho Sid Vicious – Former professional wrestler. Again, my brother attempted to prove we were family. I really wanted to believe this one, and expected some genetic pre-disposition to pulling off his awesome “release powerbomb” finishing move. I would later permanently cripple a stuffed animal with this maneuver and then, full of regret and fear at my God-given strength, give up my dream of professional wrestling forever. Consider yourself lucky, Hogan!
- Just-Ice – Late 80s, New York gangsta rapper. No one ever tried to convince me we were related, but I make that face all the time, so I thought, “Maaaybe?” My research found no shared family tree, but for now I’m just going to call the studies inconclusive.
Moving along now, a couple of American icons to whom I am related:
- Lady Justice – She is the blind, well-boobed symbol of moral and judicial force. Legend (and fact!) has it that her right boob is so righteous, when former Bush-era Attorney General John Ashcroft first gazed upon it, he saw reflected in it his own dark, perverse, subconscious nightmares and desires, and demanded it be shrouded immediately.
- John Wayne Justice – This is a real person, and a name I could not even hope to create on my own. He is a cousin, but unfortunately, we are not close enough for me to know the progress of his obvious destiny as a future American president or film star. I mean, come on. With that name, good fortune and greatness are only a greeting away. At least in the South.
And lastly, some Justice names hot off the presses (I intend to get as much mileage out of that cliche while I can, seeing as how none of the younger generations will understand its origin), just waiting to be applied to the right boy or girl. Line up, zygotes! (That is, if, as a zygote, you believe life begins at the synthesis of two gametes, which, well, let’s not get political just yet. Let’s just get you a name and figure out how it’s going to play out.)
- Maximum Justice – Will be called Max!, for short
- Blind Willie Justice – Perfect for the Mississippi Delta line of Justices
- DJ Jazzy Justice – Will probably not end up winning the first rap Grammy ever presented for his song, “Parents Just Don’t Understand.” Somebody did that already.
- Jackknife Justice – He’s the really resourceful, “gadget guy” in the bank robber movie
- Jelly Roll Justice – Destined to reinvigorate the ragtime piano playing famous in the early 1900s, with the help of ever-culture-devouring hipsters desperately searching for sources of authenticity so as to adopt them as a posture, as a “like”
- Jiggle Belly Justice – Just a fat guy
- Jowly Justice – A skinny guy ironically given a fat guy name
- Junkyard Dog Justice – Professional wrestler, infamous for the fat-fingered eye gouge of justice
That’s all the time I can possibly waste. Stay tuned for the next installment, where I will offer a profile in courage of local resident, Chalmers the Cat.