Beards!! How bout ‘em? Who’s got ‘em? And what…do they mean? Tonight, on The Fat Fingers of Justice, with your host, international beard-o-crat and inventor of the Mustache Belt, Fat Fingers Justice will discuss facial hair and one of its leading proponents.
(The mustache belt is like a beard net, but, you know, just if you have a mustache and work in a particularly cautious food-service job. No one wants to find a curly mustache hair protruding from their foie gras.)
The beard was invented in the year 9 AD by Jesus of Nazareth. No one before Jesus had ever seen or grown a beard, which was one of the first and main reasons people knew he was no ordinary dude.
Well, that’s not totally true. Some men had half-beards, but Jesus was the first that, when he turned the other cheek, there was hair on that side, too.
In fact, I’m pretty sure I remember from Sunday school that the Holy Spirit in the Christian Trinity was Christ’s beard. It taught a guy to fish. Lepers touched it and the beard didn’t even fall off. The beard was the key to getting Jesus’ foot in the door to work all his other magic. What would Jesus do? He’d grow a beard.
That being said, beards have garnered negative publicity and many see them not as stately additions to a man’s facial topography, but instead a sign of unsophistication or slovenly disregard for societal norms.
For some, this is perhaps true. A hobo is not making a statement or style choice with that full, untrimmed beard and mustache any more than he “camped out” to be first in line to open the library.
Others just don’t want to shave, and some grow beards as a form of protest. However, I do believe not shaving is the lamest form of protest I can imagine, as you are actually choosing to do less than you were doing before, for your chosen cause.
Personally, laziness and resentment were my gateway motivations to beard appreciation. Mandatory shaving in high school bred resentment, and moving away to college created the foundation for experimental laziness and excess, one such hypotheses being: what would happen if, instead of shaving, I spent that time hitting the snooze button and cursing a hangover?
Then, once I completed the transition from normie to beardie, I was in love. Ultimately, it may just be vanity.
Beards do serve many functions, from the lowbrow to high-culture: built-in bibs to catch food debris, double-chin concealers, pretty-lady magnets, and even as the follicular art on the canvas of the face.
This brings me to a young lady leading the Internet in beard appreciation, creating a Web site for connoisseurs of hot beard action in all its presentations. bearded beauties is a recently launched site dedicated to pogonology, a study or treatise on beards.
From the initial posts, it appears the site will feature profiles in courageous beards, with interviews and even a helpful chart allowing one to judge the trustworthiness of beards.
For you see, beards are not a monolithic thing – you can’t simply ask, Beards: blessing to man, or…menace…to society? You can’t even write them off as just a soft, cuddly patch of hair.
As it turns out, the truth is not black and white, but quite complicated, as complicated as the vast species of beards. Like a snowflake, or fingerprint, no two beards are the same. Some are even bejeweled!
It’s good to have a fellow advocate for fuzzy faces. Because while summer is tenacious, especially here in Austin, winter’s on its way and you don’t want to be caught all nekkid-faced.