Category Archives: News Media

Join Me as I Travel the Country in Search of America’s Most Delicious Eucharists!

Easter rises again this Sunday, along with the typical rumors of man-sized, brain slurping, mutant rabbits coming for our nation’s most adorable Christian children.  (the ugly pagan ones cause diarrhea)

Many news stations in smaller media markets, hungry for ratings, stoke parental fears by warning of impostor Easter bunnies laying candy eggs filled with cyanide or razor blades.  Or worse, razor blAids, razor blades coated with Aids.

Meanwhile, Fox News reports Easter may in fact be cancelled by the Obama administration and his big government bureaucrats.  After both the EPA and the FDA passed job-killing candy egg regulations, the Easter Bunny may be out of a job.  (“Did ObamaCare Send the Easter Bunny to the Unemployment Line?”, Fox News, April 5)  Meanwhile, weapons dealers report surging sales to confused gun rights activists who fear their egg-hunting days may soon be over.

“Big government vampirism threatens to suck the freedom out of yet another American tradition,” reported Bill O’Reilly.

You and I both know that’s nonsense, a smoke-screen.  The real danger is from out of control consolidation of the nation’s food system into the hands of a few multinationals and their unregulated production of genetically modified organisms (GMOs).  The results can be calamitous.

I speak, of course, of Peeps monsters.

Half-human, half-marshmallowy mutants!

Unfazed by multiple shotgun blasts!
(photo courtesy of Reuters)

While we’re distracted by partisan political feuds, foody Frankensteins are busy altering the DNA of our plants and animals, unleashing unholy inedibles.  The indestructible marshmallow candies, if consumed, will never break down via digestive processes.  Instead, they will fester in the stomach cavity.  If you’re lucky, your symptoms will be limited to nausea, vomiting, circulatory gelatinization, tachypnea, candied bowels, convulsions, coma, sugary-sweet urine, and necrosis of hope.

Worst-case scenarios involve irreversible mutation, like you see in the above, Pulitzer Prize-winning photograph.  At that point, one can only wish for death, although it is doubtful the Peep/Human mind is still capable of a thought process other than the most primitive desire to kill.

Military scientists report grim findings from studying captured marshmallow enemy combatants.

“We wanted to know what these things were made of,” says Gary Falcon.  They tried to melt them in a microwave, dissolve them in water, then corrode them in acid.  But the Peeps did not behave like ordinary marshmallows.  “We discovered that the eyes especially wouldn’t dissolve in anything.”

Yes.  Think about that for a while, dear reader.  When we’re all long gone, when humanity disappears from this planet, by Peeps themselves or some non-human-made calamity, all that will remain in the bleak, post-apocalyptic landscape will be pairs of midnight-black orbs staring blankly from within fluorescent, spongy and immortal bodies.  Bodies we once gleefully and foolishly fed to our own children.  Two onyx, sugary stones staring at our sweet-toothed ghosts.

Where will your resurrected god be then?

Oh wait, here He is –

Skynet will surprise John Connor and all of us by not destroying, but saving, mankind. Ladykind, too.

CyberChrist:  He died for your sins.  Now…

He’s killing for them.

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Filed under Food, Humor, News Media

The War You Don’t See

In continuing, thematically, from the previous post:

John Pilger is a heroic journalist.  I am ashamed I never knew of him until today.

There are simply not enough positive adjectives to describe Mr. Pilger and his documentary, The War You Don’t See.  It is heartbreaking and maddening, vast in its knowledge, critical and honest in regard to the real reasons wars are fought.  It is inspirational to watch his strong questioning of the journalists who essentially acted as accomplices of a lying government in the selling of the Iraq war.  Ultimately, it is a must-see examination of the media our country needs to survive.

This is part 1 of 7, and it’s all available on youtube.

A couple particularly favorite quotes of mine from the documentary:

We’re told that British foreign policy is based on promoting democracy, on spreading development, and promoting human rights.  Well, if you read the actual government planning files, planners are saying to themselves that their policy is not based on that – it’s based on the control of oil, it’s based on creating an international economy that works in the interest of British corporations, and it’s based on maintaining their great power status.

This culture of impunity is deeply embedded within British society.

Mark Curtis, historian and journalist

Not a revelatory quote, but the truth.

And then there is the following quote from Pilger himself.  I wish journalists had to sign some sort of pledge like the speech he delivers.  I was thinking of this while watching Fox News’ Shepard Smith and Chris Wallace fail to adequately cover the Republican blocking of the 9/11 First Responders Bill.

Journalists have to be brave enough to defy those who seek our collusion in selling their latest bloody adventure in someone else’s country.  That means always challenging the official story, however patriotic that story may appear, however seductive and insidious it is.  For propaganda relies on us in the media to aim its deceptions not at a far-away enemy, but at you at home.

It’s very simple:  in this age of endless imperial war, the lives of countless men, women and children depend on the truth, or their blood is on us.  “Never believe anything until it’s officially denied,” said the great reporter Claud CockburnIn other words, those whose job it is to keep the record straight ought to be the voice of people, not power.

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Filed under News Media, Politics