Tag Archives: Beards

Beard Trimmings

Pardon the extended absence – just returned from another profitable speaking tour pitching my radically successful life strategies.

Perhaps you were smart enough to catch some of the magic:

“Overindulge in wine, women and song, sleep in, gather bad habits like a snowball just barreling down a goddamn mountain…and still RETIRE in 2 YEARS!!!”

“The good news is you can EASILY do this!  But unless you’re ready to change your financial and personal LIFE, you better leave now!  That’s it.  Go on.  Get the fuck out of this Marriott conference room and don’t look back.  And if you so much as grab a free coffee from the snack area, I will tear off your head and turn it into my latest get-rick-quick juggernaut.”

“Tony Robbins is an amateur, a mere intern of Life, while my strategies will finally make you the CEO of your dream life.”

But I’m back now. I returned home to a relatively new apartment, which I’ve been meaning to review on this very blog for two months.

I live with someone I met on craigslist, and she appears to be gone quite frequently.  The other weekend, for example, she was gone Friday through Sunday, allowing me to indulge a pantless-ness unknown in recent or even long memory.

But that’s between me, my bare legs, and God.  And the accent wall.

Apartment facts:

  • There is a nearby unsecured wireless network called “shortygetoffthat.”
  • The two attractive young ladies from the apartment’s promotional brochure are nowhere to be seen.
  • The showerhead comes up to my tits.
  • An empty, overturned pint of Ben & Jerry’s sits in front of my neighbor’s front door. It has not moved in two months.

What others are saying:

  • “Whoooooooo!”  – Person outside my window at 2 am.  Probably not professional wrestler Ric Flair, but maybe?
  • “No stabbings yet.” – Roommate, Abby
  • “Get the fuck out!  This is my muthafuckin’ place!” – Next door neighbor, apparently informing a gentleman about the particulars of her rental agreement

It’s been a wonderful homecoming. I can return to my collection of tiny porcelain cat figurines,

and perhaps more importantly, I can end the painful neglect of my beard. It valiantly endured the rigors of touring, and with little to no fuss.  Sure, I slept on it wrong a few times and walked around with a cow-licked beard all day, but sometimes that happens.

To reward its patience and hard work, I took my beard to a full-service spa. The hot towels and beard bubble bath were only the beginning.

A purified-water beard steam and deep beard massage (w/the smooth, hot basalt stones) followed.

Next, a complete mustache pampering, with detoxification and healthy glow restoration.

Full beard replenishment came after a powerful antioxidant treatment incorporating a Vitamin C concentrate, algae biomatrix patches and a Deep Sea thermal mud mask.  Afterward, the mere sight of it melted hearts, inflamed loins, started regional conflicts. A dove wrote it a love letter.

I have a beard.  Or does my beard have me?  What is “my?”  Who is beard?  Can either truly possess the other? Can a man capture a river?  Am I Beard?


One of the beard’s many benefits/downfalls is to serve as a built-on bib. This recently proved itself true yet again.  The other evening, while practicing my X-treme yoga, I scratched my beard, and a piece of granola fell out.

I ate that granola bar for breakfast – ten hours prior.  Eight of those hours were spent working customer service at a print & copy shop.

I should now remind the female readers that yes, remarkably, I am available.  In my defense, it was a very sticky granola bar.  Very sticky.

But, as a friend suggested, I should make a game out of it, maybe even make bets with the ladies on what one could find and/or fit into the beard.

Yes, when life hands you lemons, you turn those lemons into beard-ade, or more specifically, a romantic beard potion.  You could hide a rose in your beard for a special lady!  And one day – are you ready for this? – a wedding ring.  That would be such a great proposal.

Furthermore, I was reminded of the beard’s great storage abilities.  The next time I’m walking from my car to my house, and my hands are full of grocery bags or the like, I will try to conveniently stuff my keys in my beard and shake them loose when I get to the door.

I must leave now – I have to host a webinar, and prepare with my vodka power shake, much of which will cling to the ends of my mustache.  At key points, when I pronounce words like “power,” shake particles will leap from my mustache for emphasis, like delicious, flying exclamation points.



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A New Leader in Beard Justice

Beards!!  How bout ‘em?  Who’s got ‘em?  And what…do they mean?  Tonight, on The Fat Fingers of Justice, with your host, international beard-o-crat and inventor of the Mustache Belt, Fat Fingers Justice will discuss facial hair and one of its leading proponents.

(The mustache belt is like a beard net, but, you know, just if you have a mustache and work in a particularly cautious food-service job.  No one wants to find a curly mustache hair protruding from their foie gras.)

The beard was invented in the year 9 AD by Jesus of Nazareth.  No one before Jesus had ever seen or grown a beard, which was one of the first and main reasons people knew he was no ordinary dude.

Well, that’s not totally true.  Some men had half-beards, but Jesus was the first that, when he turned the other cheek, there was hair on that side, too.

In fact, I’m pretty sure I remember from Sunday school that the Holy Spirit in the Christian Trinity was Christ’s beard.  It taught a guy to fish.  Lepers touched it and the beard didn’t even fall off.  The beard was the key to getting Jesus’ foot in the door to work all his other magic.  What would Jesus do?  He’d grow a beard.

That being said, beards have garnered negative publicity and many see them not as stately additions to a man’s facial topography, but instead a sign of unsophistication or slovenly disregard for societal norms.

For some, this is perhaps true.  A hobo is not making a statement or style choice with that full, untrimmed beard and mustache any more than he “camped out” to be first in line to open the library.

ZZ Top’s Dusty Hill and Billy Gibbons.  No photo of drummer Frank Beard will be shown, as, ironically enough, he is un-bearded. 

Others just don’t want to shave, and some grow beards as a form of protest.  However, I do believe not shaving is the lamest form of protest I can imagine, as you are actually choosing to do less than you were doing before, for your chosen cause.

Personally, laziness and resentment were my gateway motivations to beard appreciation.  Mandatory shaving in high school bred resentment, and moving away to college created the foundation for experimental laziness and excess, one such hypotheses being:  what would happen if, instead of shaving, I spent that time hitting the snooze button and cursing a hangover?

Then, once I completed the transition from normie to beardie, I was in love.  Ultimately, it may just be vanity.

Beards do serve many functions, from the lowbrow to high-culture:  built-in bibs to catch food debris, double-chin concealers,  pretty-lady magnets, and even as the follicular art on the canvas of the face.

This brings me to a young lady leading the Internet in beard appreciation, creating a Web site for connoisseurs of hot beard action in all its presentations.  bearded beauties is a recently launched site dedicated to pogonology, a study or treatise on beards.

From the initial posts, it appears the site will feature profiles in courageous beards, with interviews and even a helpful chart allowing one to judge the trustworthiness of beards.

For you see, beards are not a monolithic thing – you can’t simply ask, Beards: blessing to man, or…menace…to society?  You can’t even write them off as just a soft, cuddly patch of hair.

As it turns out, the truth is not black and white, but quite complicated, as complicated as the vast species of beards.  Like a snowflake, or fingerprint, no two beards are the same.  Some are even bejeweled!

It’s good to have a fellow advocate for fuzzy faces.  Because while summer is tenacious, especially here in Austin, winter’s on its way and you don’t want to be caught all nekkid-faced.

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