Easter rises again this Sunday, along with the typical rumors of man-sized, brain slurping, mutant rabbits coming for our nation’s most adorable Christian children. (the ugly pagan ones cause diarrhea)
Many news stations in smaller media markets, hungry for ratings, stoke parental fears by warning of impostor Easter bunnies laying candy eggs filled with cyanide or razor blades. Or worse, razor blAids, razor blades coated with Aids.
Meanwhile, Fox News reports Easter may in fact be cancelled by the Obama administration and his big government bureaucrats. After both the EPA and the FDA passed job-killing candy egg regulations, the Easter Bunny may be out of a job. (“Did ObamaCare Send the Easter Bunny to the Unemployment Line?”, Fox News, April 5) Meanwhile, weapons dealers report surging sales to confused gun rights activists who fear their egg-hunting days may soon be over.
“Big government vampirism threatens to suck the freedom out of yet another American tradition,” reported Bill O’Reilly.
You and I both know that’s nonsense, a smoke-screen. The real danger is from out of control consolidation of the nation’s food system into the hands of a few multinationals and their unregulated production of genetically modified organisms (GMOs). The results can be calamitous.
I speak, of course, of Peeps monsters.
Half-human, half-marshmallowy mutants!
While we’re distracted by partisan political feuds, foody Frankensteins are busy altering the DNA of our plants and animals, unleashing unholy inedibles. The indestructible marshmallow candies, if consumed, will never break down via digestive processes. Instead, they will fester in the stomach cavity. If you’re lucky, your symptoms will be limited to nausea, vomiting, circulatory gelatinization, tachypnea, candied bowels, convulsions, coma, sugary-sweet urine, and necrosis of hope.
Worst-case scenarios involve irreversible mutation, like you see in the above, Pulitzer Prize-winning photograph. At that point, one can only wish for death, although it is doubtful the Peep/Human mind is still capable of a thought process other than the most primitive desire to kill.
Military scientists report grim findings from studying captured marshmallow enemy combatants.
“We wanted to know what these things were made of,” says Gary Falcon. They tried to melt them in a microwave, dissolve them in water, then corrode them in acid. But the Peeps did not behave like ordinary marshmallows. “We discovered that the eyes especially wouldn’t dissolve in anything.”
Yes. Think about that for a while, dear reader. When we’re all long gone, when humanity disappears from this planet, by Peeps themselves or some non-human-made calamity, all that will remain in the bleak, post-apocalyptic landscape will be pairs of midnight-black orbs staring blankly from within fluorescent, spongy and immortal bodies. Bodies we once gleefully and foolishly fed to our own children. Two onyx, sugary stones staring at our sweet-toothed ghosts.
Where will your resurrected god be then?
Oh wait, here He is –
CyberChrist: He died for your sins. Now…
He’s killing for them.