You just don’t see truck nuts any more. Or, as they call them in the biz – premium novelty testicles.
Truck nuts changed things. Truck nuts were, I think, a pinnacle – or perhaps, depth – we reached as a nation, as a culture, collectively. We now label events as either pre-trucknuts or post-trucknuts, and in this post-trucknut world, things are different. We can’t go back. We are changed. Truck nuts are an American creation for which this country has not atoned, and we can’t put these truck-nut genies back in the bottle.
But when did this quantum leap in testicular display occur, anyway? The truck nuts wikipedia entry, disappointingly brief I might add, states that these accessories first appeared in 1998, while the fine folks at YourNutz.com tout themselves as the Purveyor of Premium Novelty Testicles since 1997.
Who is telling the truth?!?
Well, regardless of the discrepancy, I was shocked to discover they had been around for so long. It was only in 2007 that the accessories caught national attention when a Maryland politician filed legislation to outlaw what he described as “vulgar and immoral,” and “a pretty serious problem.”
A pretty serious problem, indeed. I can only assume the child of one of his constituents saw truck nuts, inevitably prompting, probably prematurely, the big talk about where baby trucks come from. The mother then called the politician and demanded truck nuts be put back in the truck pants where they belong.
And oh, the variety of truck nuts that child could have seen! If you thought the options were limited to skin tones, you would be oh so foolishly naive.
You ready? Truck nuts, or bumper balls as they’re also called, come in blue, red, orange, pink, purple, yellow, black, green, white, baby blue, transparent ghost (spoooooky!), bronze chrome, gold chrome, silver chrome, American flag, seven different camouflage styles including woodland, urban and desert, and the best for last – “LED Lighted Lit Up Nuts.”
While YourNutz.com seems to be the premier distributor, they are certainly not the only name in the truck nut game.
Take bumpernuts.com, for example. The site’s opening paragraph is as close to a thesis on explaining the allure of truck testicles as you’re bound to find, outside of a grad student’s paper exploring expressions of masculinity through material culture, I suppose.
“In my mind a big ass truck is not complete without a nice set of BUMPER NUTS hanging off the hitch. Take a look at these BUMPER NUTS on this bad boy and tell me that is not beautiful! This is the most ultimate truck accessory around.”
Not very explanatory, but there’s not a lot of literature on trucks, their nuts, and how they combine to satisfy the needs of expression for certain individuals. Add to that the selling point of proudly being made in the USA, and it’s not hard to argue that a truck without nuts is incomplete. Hell, a neutered truck may not even be a truck at all.
If you want to peruse the Bumper Nuts site, be sure to check the link labeled “Funk Band.” I did, because my curiosity at how a funk band could be related to the sale of truck nuts was too much to ignore. As it turns out, it’s actually a “celebrity” endorsement!
“Man, these things are great! I hang ’em from my music stand at every Camel Toe show, and inevitably some girls start rubbing them and stuff. The nuts have been a good addition to our gigs — thanks!” – Doug of Camel Toe, The Bass Player
If you were not sold before, surely “South Florida’s hottest and most original funk-rock trio,” Camel Toe, has convinced you.
Ultimately, it comes back to YourNutz.com, as they have one image, one suggested use of the product, that makes them truck nut champions.
I present it here, now:
Lest you think YourNutz.com is ableist in any way, they are ready and willing to empower any person with disabilities by burdening them with massive, center-of-gravity-shifting truck nuts.
Despite my google queries, I am unable to determine the legality of truck nuts. It sounds like Florida and Delaware have outlawed them, but I’m confident Texas will never limit such an obviously God-given right.
If truck nuts are outlawed, only the outlaws will have truck nuts.